Consider the following scenario:

John and Laura, a married couple, have been creating their custom-built house. They originally bought the land for $300,000. The land itself is an irregularly shaped lot, larger than any of the surrounding lots. The home is not yet finished, and the couple has suspended plans to finish the home because they have decided to file for divorce. John and Laura need to know how to value the property as part of their division of community assets.

In the scenario above, John and Laura would benefit from meeting with a professional mediator, in order to make informed decisions about their half-built house. They will first need to determine the value of the home, and then decide how to allocate this value between them. They will also need to agree on the disposition of the home (whether/when it will be sold, whether one of them will remain in the home, or another outcome).

Valuation:

It can be difficult to determine the exact value of a home that is unfinished. A good place to start may be to research comparable properties within a couple of miles of the property. In order to do this, you can consult with a real estate agent or appraiser. It is important to make sure that that the details of the homes are similar, such as number of bedrooms/bathrooms and style of the homes. Then, you can determine the average price of these comparable properties. If the home or lot does not have comparable properties in the area, such as in the case of John and Laura, this may require considerably more research. However, with the help of a skilled and experienced mediator, and consultations with knowledgeable real estate professionals, John and Laura will be able to gather the information needed to make fully informed decisions as to what feels fair and reasonable in regards to value.

Once John and Laura agree on the current value of their home, they will then need to determine the cost to finish their home. In determining the cost to finish the construction, it can be helpful to have a professional inspection of the property with a licensed home inspector. The inspector can make sure that John and Laura are including all items and tasks that will need to be completed before the home is finished. It is important to get an accurate cost to have the unfinished areas of the house completely finished so that they will pass inspection and meet local codes. This includes the costs of material and labor, so they may need to get estimates from contractors as part of this process.

Next, John and Laura can deduct the agreed-upon cost to finish the home, from the agreed upon value of the finished home, to get a rough estimate of the value of the unfinished home.

Disposition

John and Laura will need to agree on the disposition of their home. Will one of them remain in the house? Will they attempt to sell it unfinished? Will they agree to complete the home and then sell it once it is finished? In order to make a fully informed decision, it will be important for them to consult with knowledgeable real estate professionals. Attempting to sell an unfinished home can be difficult, as many buyers have reservations about purchasing a home with many unknowns (ie. what will be the exact cost to finish it, is everything constructed to code, etc.?). Another potential hurdle is that the buyer will need a construction loan (typically requiring 20-25% down). Lenders can be hesitant about construction loans, as it may be seen as a risky investment given the many unknown variables that often occur during home construction. For this reason, lenders usually require many details about the property before approving the loan.

Whatever Laura and John’s decision regarding the valuation and disposition of their home, it is important that they consult with professionals in order to make fully informed decisions. Having an agreed-upon current value of the home, and an informed estimate regarding costs to complete the home, is an essential part of this process. Though the decisions to be made by the couple can be difficult, with the help of a skilled Phoenix mediator and consultations with knowledgeable professionals, the couple can more easily and quickly come to agreements that make the most financial and emotional sense for them both.

Written By: Oliver Ross
Out-of-Court Solutions
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

Video Transcript

Oliver Ross, Mediator: Hi, I’m Oliver Ross. I’m the founder of Out-of-Court Solutions, and for the past 18 years I’ve been a full time mediator.

Spousal support mediation, let me start off by saying that spousal support is one of, if not, the most unpredictable area of the law there is in Arizona and many other states. If any mediator or any lawyer is to tell a person going through divorce, they know exactly what a court will do when it comes to the issue of spousal maintenance, it’s just not true. You actually want to walk away from that person, because you can submit the same facts to 10 different judges and get six or seven answers. So the way we go about it in mediation is very different than if you are using two separate lawyers, because the lawyers would want to hire accountants, each side contending that the standard of living was either higher or lower, and they might want to even hire career consultants contending how much income each spouse could earn.

Here in mediation, first of all, as to determining what the reasonable needs of the person, of the spouse, claiming spousal maintenance would be, we use income and expense spreadsheets. In other words, our clients get a specially prepared spreadsheet that lists all of their expenses, from their mortgage payment to how much they spend for food, and if there are minor children involved we actually have them break that down between themselves and the children. Once we get the wife’s expenses, once we get the husband’s expenses, then we share that information. I use a flat screen TV, we project it up there, and then the husband can ask the wife clarifying questions. For example, “Why do you have… “, “Why are you going to spend $600 a month on food”? “Why are you spending $500 a month for the beauty parlor”? And the wife can ask the husband questions like, “Why are you taking all these vacations or trips, you know, and spending X number of dollars.”

So through this process of sitting together with me as the mediator and collaboratively and cooperatively getting to a place where we understand what the reasonable needs of each the husband and the wife are over the next year or two at least, then we can compare that to the income that’s available, then they can collaborate and cooperate as to what the fair amount of spousal maintenance should be. Very different than if they were going to use lawyers because not only the process is much longer, it could take months if not years, where in mediation the average time is two or three months to resolve the spousal maintenance issue as well as all the other issues. Division of assets, allocation of debts, parenting of any minor children, and of course, if there are minor children, child support.

So, spousal maintenance, its like putting together a jigsaw puzzle, and I tell this to clients. Unless and until a certain number of pieces fall into place, in other words, what is the income? And if one spouse is employed part-time or not employed at all, what is their educational background? Their work experience background? What could they potentially be earning? Because that becomes a factor. Because the courts don’t look at necessarily what a person is earning, they look at what a person, based on their education background and experience, is capable of earning. And once we put all of those pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together, 95% if not 98% of the couples that I’ve mediated with reach an agreement that they both can live with about spousal maintenance.

Written By: Oliver Ross
Out-of-Court Solutions
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

Video Transcript

Oliver Ross, Glendale Mediator: Hi, I’m Oliver Ross. I’m the founder of Out-of-Court Solutions, and for the past 18 years I’ve been a full-time mediator, after practicing law in California for 19 years and gone back then and first got a Masters, then a PhD in Psychology. I’ve mediated many, many divorces and legal separations in Glendale. We do have an office in Glendale. We also have an office in Peoria. We also have an office in Anthem. We mediate valley-wide including Glendale, Peoria, those West Valley locations.

Oliver Ross – Out-of-Court Solutions
20100 N. 51st Avenue, Suite F-640
Glendale, AZ 85308
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

Video Transcript

Oliver Ross, Out-of-Court Solutions:

Hi, I’m Oliver Ross, I’m the founder of Out-of-Court Solutions, and I’ve been mediating in Mesa, Red Mountain and Downtown Mesa, and the surrounding East Valley cities for the last 18 years. My background is in the law business and psychology. I practiced law in California for 19 years and then having gone through my own divorce, I went back to school at night, and first I earned a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and a PhD in Human Behavior Psychology.

We moved in 1994 to Mesa in the general Phoenix Metropolitan area. And what I’ve known since opening this practice in January of 1995 that I’m able to help couples in Mesa, Red Mountain and all of the areas of Downtown Mesa, as well as other areas here in Phoenix, go through whatever process they choose, whether it’s divorce or legal separation in a very very different way than if they were going to use two separate lawyers in the adversarial process. My goal is to help couples communicate and negotiate effectively, offer different options and alternatives, provide them with legal, financial and tax information, and also to be attendant to the emotions that are so common in mediation. So I’ve had the actual blessing of helping over 1400 couples since 1995 resolve their situations in a collaborative and cooperative way, rather than in an adversarial and, not to mention, expensive way.

Written By: Oliver Ross
Out-of-Court Solutions
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

Video Transcript

Oliver Ross, Out-of-Court Solutions:

Hi folks, I am Oliver Ross. I am the founder of Out-of-Court Solutions and I’ve been a full-time mediator here in Phoenix for the last 18 years. Before that I practiced law in California for 19 years. I was a trial lawyer and then I went through my own divorce and felt the emotions and actually that sparked me, motivated me to go back to school. So first, I earned a Master’s in Clinical Psychology and then later on I earned a PhD in Behavioral Psychology. We moved here to Phoenix in 1994 and I opened the practice here in Phoenix in 1995, and what I’ve realized since then is that this is my calling because I not only get to save parents from the hostility and tension that’s sure to increase when you use adversarial lawyers, I get to save the children from the fallout of that hostility and tension. So it’s really a blessing for me to do this kind of work in Phoenix and other areas adjacent to Phoenix because I really get to help people go through this process in a collaborative and cooperative way and, not to mention, save a lot of money.

Written By: Oliver Ross
Out-of-Court Solutions
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

A Prenup Can:

Determine who gets what. Without a valid agreement, the courts will divide your property and assets if you get divorced. With a prenup, you can establish your own guidelines for who gets what. Keep your finances separate. In most states, assets that are accumulated during the marriage are considered marital property, regardless of whose name they are under. A premarital agreement can help keep the finances separate and not muddy the lines on whose is whose.

Spare your spouse from debt. Like assets, you can enter into a marriage with debt. Without a valid prenup in place, creditors can come after martial property to rectify the debts of only one of the spouses. A prenup can protect your spouse from your debts, and vice versa.

Provide for any children from a prior marriage. If you or your spouse have children from a prior relationship, a prenup can ensure that those children inherit their share, even if your current marriage produces children.

Keep family property separate. If you have property that is meant to be kept in your birth family, having a prenup is essential. An agreement will guarantee that the property will stay in your family line, and not be considered martial property.

Determine marital responsibilities. A prenup can also regulate who is in charge of certain things in the marriage. For example: who pays the bills, whether you will file a joint or separate tax return, how to handle bank accounts and credit cards and other agreements regarding finances can be included in a prenup.

A Prenup Can’t:

Lead to divorce. A prenup will be void in court if it is suspected that it was created with divorce in mind or if it led to the actual divorce.
Hinder child support or custody. A prenuptial agreement cannot limit future child support, custody or visitation rights. Child welfare is considered a matter for the courts, and is not to be determined by a couple ahead of time.

It is a common assumption that prenuptial agreements are only necessary when a lot of money is at risk. However, a prenuptial agreement is much more than that. It can help you manage money, property, debts and responsibilities.If you are planning to get married, it is worth speaking with an attorney about whether or not a prenup is right for you.

Guest Blog Written By Brad Denton
Gunderson, Denton & Peterson, P.C.
1930 N. Arboleda, Suite 201
Mesa, Arizona 85213
Office: 480-655-7440
Fax: 480-655-7099
Email: brad@gundersondenton.com

Emotional Stress

Emotional stress to both spouses is inherent to the criminal proceedings that typically follow an arrest for driving under the influence. The DUI spouse is likely to experience a wide range of emotions, from anxiousness to anger, disappointment to depression, and regret to remorse. The non-DUI spouse (and perhaps other family members or close friends as well) is apt to experience his or her own assortment of similar emotions. Additionally, the non-DUI spouse is likely to feel frustrated, if not fed up, with the DUI spouse. This frustration is likely to be intensified if the DUI spouse has a chronic alcohol or drug problem that has been a source of contention during the marriage.

Emotional stress is also inherent to divorce proceedings, especially when adversarial lawyers are involved. Suffice it to say that anger and hostility significantly increase when divorcing couples fight it out through lawyers and the Phoenix courts. Thus, the stress most couples experience during divorce litigation is likely to be significantly heightened by a DUI.

Financial Strain

Financial strain is also inherent to the criminal proceedings that follow an arrest for DUI. The costs involved in having to come up with the money to post bail, retain a Phoenix criminal defense lawyer, and pay a fine commonly cause many already-fragile marriages to fall apart.

Likewise, financial strain is typical of divorce proceedings. It is well known that divorce lawyers are very expensive; they charge thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars. Thus, the costs associated with a DUI add to the already-existing financial strain caused by divorce.

Increased Complexity

Arrest for driving under the influence of an intoxicant is also very likely to increase the complexity of a divorce. Monetary issues are likely to arise about use of marital funds to pay for the DUI spouse’s criminal defense lawyer, court imposed fines, and damages to others such as when the DUI spouse caused injury to another person or property. Monetary issues are also apt to arise as how to account for any loss of wages or other income that resulted from the DUI spouse’s incarceration and/or suspended or revoked driving privileges.

When minor children are involved, the complexity of divorce proceedings is sure to increase even more. For example, the non-DUI spouse often seeks sole versus joint custody of the minor children, which if granted means that the non-DUI spouse would have the legal right to make autonomous decisions about the children’s medical needs, education, and similarly important decisions concerning minor children. The non-DUI spouse may also want the court to limit the amount of time that the DUI spouse spends with the children on weekdays, weekends, holidays, and school vacations. In addition, the non-DUI spouse may seek an order of court restricting, if not prohibiting, when and under what circumstances the DUI spouse can drive with the children.

Marriage counseling, individual psychotherapy, 12-Step groups such as AA and Alanon may help reduce the emotional stress and financial strain on a marriage that inevitably follows when a spouse has been arrested for DUI. However, when coupled with divorce, the best way a DUI and non-DUI spouse can diminish the degree of stress, strain, and complexity of their divorce proceedings is to employ a professional divorce mediator with backgrounds in law and psychology. This is because an experienced and knowledgeable Phoenix divorce mediator, as opposed to adversarial lawyers, can help both the DUI and non-DUI spouse communicate effectively and provide information needed for them to make fully informed decisions about each and every aspect of their situation, including what may or may not be in the best interests of their minor children. Thus, a Phoenix mediator inevitably helps to substantially reduce the divorcing couple’s emotional stress and financial strain as well as the complexity of their divorce proceedings.

Written By: Oliver Ross
Out-of-Court Solutions
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

Evaluative:

The “evaluative” approach means that the mediator will be asked to, or will offer to provide, his or her views on the participants’ positions. Based on past experience and familiarity with the law, the mediator will render an opinion on the likely outcome of a case should it proceed to court. If the mediator is a qualified psychologist, the mediator may offer an opinion on the likely effect certain resolutions may have on other people who may be impacted by a resolution, such as children in divorce mediation. This approach stops short to telling the parties what the mediator thinks the parties should do.

Directive:

The mediator who uses a directive approach takes a strong lead in directing the participants through each stage of the mediation, suggesting what offers or alternatives might be acceptable, and even perhaps urging the parties toward a particular resolution. This approach may go a step further than the “evaluative” approach – it says “This is the way I perceive your case and the risks, and therefore it is my opinion that I think you should strongly consider settling for…”

Transformative:

This approach focuses less on achieving a resolution of a past dispute, and more on achieving increased awareness by the parties of underlying interests and needs, so that they can not only resolve a current issue but create a better relationship for the future between the parties. As such, very few if any divorce mediators use this approach.

Humanistic:

This approach calls for private pre-mediation sessions with each participant. It places heavy reliance on the efficacy of empathy and compassion in resolving interpersonal disputes. It is most often employed in “victim-offender” disputes arising out the criminal justice systems, not divorce situations.

Facilitative:

Facilitative mediation refers to an approach to mediation where the mediator assists or facilitates the parties to communicate and negotiate. The facilitative mediator generates questions repeatedly designed to elicit information from the parties about what it is they are concerned about, what they want, and what they may be willing to do to obtain a resolution. Mediators who adhere to this style don’t offer opinions about the strength of weakness of each participant’s positions, the likelihood of their succeeding in court, or about what the best resolution might be.

Situational:

This approach calls for the mediator to be adaptive to the nature of the dispute and the parties involved. Unlike mediators who adhere to one of the foregoing styles, Situational mediators combine the best aspects of the evaluative, directive, and facilitative styles. They facilitate effective communications and negotiations, offer different options and alternatives for resolution of issues, uncover emotional interests (such as the need for equality, safety, security, and respect), and provide legal, financial, tax, and other information – all for the purpose of ensuring that a divorcing couple, individually and together, make fully informed decisions about each and every aspect of their situation.

Written By: Oliver Ross
Out-of-Court Solutions
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

Early on in my career as a mediator it became apparent that grief is endemic to divorce. I realized that sooner or later virtually everyone going through divorce is to a lesser or greater extent bound to experience the stages of grief common to the loss of their marriage: denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and acceptance. It also became apparent that children grieve when their parents’ divorce:

“With divorce come many changes for children. There are changes in the daily schedule, family structure, living arrangements, and plans for the future. Children suffer the loss of social status and possessions, as well as relationships with friend and extended family. A natural reaction to any loss is grief. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) made famous the stages of grief and loss in her work on death and dying. These stages of grief are helpful when considering divorce from your children’s point of view.” ¹

Notwithstanding the apparentness of grief being intrinsic to divorce, to this day the traditional approach to mediation used by most courts and attorneys largely disregards the anger, sadness and other emotions common to this grief. The unfortunate reality is that the legal system has been and continues to be ill-equipped to deal with these emotions.

The Situational approach, on the other hand, includes specific ways for a divorce mediator to skillfully acknowledge and normalize these emotions as well as create opportunities for clients to appropriately express them – not for the purpose of engaging in psychotherapy, but rather so that clients can at least temporarily put their grief aside and engage in the problem-solving needed to make informed decisions about their legal, financial, and co-parenting matters.

For example, in the “Getting Current” stage of the Situational approach (which usually occurs in the first hour of mediation), each parent is encouraged to share their concerns if not worries or fears about the children. In addition, Situational mediators encourage parents to be very vigilant about any unusual behavior by their children (for instance, bed-wetting, trouble at school, withdrawal from friends or favorite activities, frequent lack of appetite, and recurrent angry or violent outbursts) and to inform the children’s teachers of the divorce so they can watch out for and report any signs of distress. We also encourage parents to consider involving their children in brief therapy with a mental health professional that regularly treats children and adolescents. Indeed, we provide all of our divorce mediation clients with a list of these mental health professionals (along with other professionals such as family law attorneys, accountants, and appraisers).

The Situational approach also includes specific ways for a divorce mediator to educate parents about the grief typically experienced by children of divorce. For instance, Situational mediators make it clear that while they are impartial when it comes to the parents’ respective rights and interests, they are advocates for children. They explain that one of the major rewards we derive from being a Situational mediator is to not only save parents from the antagonism typical of the court system, but also to save the children – who usually have far fewer coping mechanisms to deal with the substantial stress and strain that is likely to result from that system.

Finally, Situational mediators emphasize the importance of a parent’s role in influencing the depth and duration of the grief that their children will experience as a result of their parents’ divorce. Ultimately, none of us have control over what anyone else thinks, feels, or does, including our children; however we certainly can influence them. This is why we strongly suggest that parents read the child-related literature we provide them at the beginning of mediation, and otherwise become familiar with the grief process in general and, in particular, what they can do to diminish its long-term psychological and behavioral effects on their children.

Oliver Ross, JD*, PhD is the founder of Out-of-Court Solutions® (www.outofcourtsolutions.com), a divorce mediation firm. Dr. Ross practiced law and then psychology in *California, and since moving to Arizona in 1994 has mediated over 1400 divorce and post-divorce matters. His book, “Situational Mediation: Sensible Conflict Resolution” (Issues Press Publishers, 2003), has received wide acclaim.

Written By: Oliver Ross
Out-of-Court Solutions
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com

Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations

Video Transcription

00:05 “The McMahon Group: Welcome back to The McMahon Group everyone. Well, you know, breaking up is sometimes very hard to do, and if you or someone you know is going through a divorce, there are some options out there that I want to let you know about, and one of them is mediation. So, joining me this morning is Dr. Oliver Ross. He is the founder of Out-Of-Court Solutions and he is going to fill us in and hopefully give us some advice and some direction for our loved ones who may be going through this right now. Good morning!

00:33 Oliver Ross: Good morning to you.

00:34 The McMahon Group: Thank you. Okay, divorce mediation, what is this?

00:38 Oliver Ross: Well, divorce mediation is an alternate way, a different way of resolving disputes that are centered around divorce. What a mediator does, what I do as a mediator, at least the way my view of it is, is to help people communicate and negotiate effectively. Offer them different options and alternatives for resolving whatever issues there are, and provide them with legal, financial, tax and other information. But, all of that is directed towards one central goal.

01:07 The McMahon Group: Okay.

01:08 The McMahon Group: And that is to make sure that when each of them make decisions, they’re fully informed ones. You see different…

01:13 The McMahon Group: Yeah.

01:14 Oliver Ross: What’s different from using two adversarial lawyers is, my job isn’t to make any decisions for the couple, the husband or the wife. I’m not a judge saying, who wins, who loses, who’s right, who’s wrong. I’m not an attorney saying, “You should do this, you shouldn’t do that”. I’m there to give them the information they need, the legal, the financial, the tax information to help them communicate and negotiate effectively because emotions get in the way…

01:43 The McMahon Group: Yes.

01:45 Oliver Ross: And to provide them with different options and alternatives such that when they make decisions, they’re fully informed ones.

01:52 The McMahon Group: Oh, and every time, when you hear of a couple that is getting divorced, I just think of just, okay, they’re hitting their heads, and the anger and the heartbreak and then the financial. And to me, I think it’s just, “Oh, my gosh! The amount of money that is going to be spent.” And it just… There is… It seems it’s like never a win-win situation.

02:16 Oliver Ross: Well, I mean, it’s pretty axiomatic, and people come in to me, we offer a half hour consultation, a free consultation.

02:23 The McMahon Group: Okay.

02:23 Oliver Ross: And they come in… Like I had one yesterday. And everybody kind of knows. Like the husband said, “Well, I don’t wanna give a third of what we have to the attorneys.”

02:33 The McMahon Group: Ooh!

02:34 Oliver Ross: Mediation is likely to cost a small fraction…

02:38 The McMahon Group: Compared to the attorneys.

02:39 Oliver Ross: Of what using two separate lawyers will cost.

02:42 The McMahon Group: Okay. But now, you were just telling me that if you’re working with a divorce mediator, that you also refer other attorneys to them if they need it.

02:50 Oliver Ross: I have two other mediators that work with me here in Arizona and they’re with Out-Of-Court Solutions, and we all give our clients a list of what we call mediation-friendly attorneys. It’s on our expert list. We give them accountants, we give them appraisers; anybody that might be expert in areas that we don’t have the expertise. But, in the case of lawyers, the lawyers on our list don’t charge the retainers, the initial upfront money that has to be paid. Typically, the lowest retainer you’re gonna find nowadays is about $3500 to $5000. So, couples will spend $7000 to $10,000, just for starters…

03:34 The McMahon Group: Oh, wow!

03:35 Oliver Ross: Using separate lawyers.

03:36 The McMahon Group: Wow.

03:37 Oliver Ross: With these lawyers, when we refer clients to them, and we encourage, is part of our introductory rules and procedures. We talk about the use of independent attorneys and we get each of their permission to allow the other, if they choose. It’s not a requirement, but it is definitely an option for them to consult on an hourly basis, without the large retainers, with one of the mediation-friendly attorneys on our list. So…

04:03 The McMahon Group: If they… Yeah.

04:03 Oliver Ross: I want my clients to have that additional support.

04:08 The McMahon Group: Right.

04:08 Oliver Ross: Because they’re going through a grief process.

04:11 The McMahon Group: Sure. Right. And now that brings up the situational approach to mediation.

04:15 Oliver Ross: Yes.

04:15 The McMahon Group: Explain what that is.

04:17 Oliver Ross: Well, the situational approach to mediation means that the mediator has to be adept at tailoring the mediation to the people involved because we’re all different, and to the nature of the dispute. Now, in divorce, grief — a grief process from anger, sadness, frustration and over time into the acceptance stage of the grief process — that is similar to what we go through emotionally when we lose somebody through death, by death. We are very aware that people are going through that process.

05:00 The McMahon Group: Got it.

05:00 Oliver Ross: So, we’ll help them progress through that process. We see a lot of angry people.

05:09 The McMahon Group: Yeah.

05:10 Oliver Ross: I’ll point out in the beginning that anger is common and normal in these situations. So, we normal out, we acknowledge that it’s happening. Most lawyers, quite frankly — and I before I went through my own divorce and went back to school and studied for my PhD in Psychology — I didn’t know my feelings.

05:29 The McMahon Group: Yeah.

05:29 Oliver Ross: So, if don’t know my own feelings, how am I going to recognize them and help other people deal with them. All the mediators with me, my two other mediators, have backgrounds of both law and psychology. We all have advanced…

05:44 The McMahon Group: Which is very beneficial.

05:44 Oliver Ross: Degrees in psychology.

05:46 The McMahon Group: And that’s so good to know. Like you said, because of the whole grief process and all the feelings that everybody is going through. And I don’t think people know how to address those feelings.

05:56 Oliver Ross: Well, when you’re inside a picture frame, when you’re inside of the frame, you can’t see the picture. So when I’m going through my own emotions… That’s why we have therapists, that’s why we have counselors. Well, mediation with Out-Of-Court Solutions is the situational approach that… By the way, I had a book published about it in 2003. But we are able to recognize the emotional aspects. Not that it’s therapy. We’re not doing therapeutic counseling, but just the recognition that people are going through those emotions, and acknowledging just like, “Lisa, I can see how angry you are.” That’s therapeutic.

06:40 Oliver Ross: Well, and let’s bring the kids into the picture here.

06:42 The McMahon Group: Ah, the kids.

06:43 Oliver Ross: Divorce mediation, it seems to me, that… How does this benefit the kids? And the different ages, like the young ones versus into the teens?

06:53 Speaker 1: Well, first of all let me say that the major blessing for me in doing the work that I do, and I’ve been doing this for 16 years now, is I not only get to save the parents from that other process, the adversarial process using lawyers, but I get to save the kids.

07:09 Oliver Ross: Yeah.

07:11 The McMahon Group: Now, in terms of helping the children, children will be going through their own grief process, similar to what we adults go through.

07:19 Oliver Ross: Right. Nobody wants to see Mommy and Daddy get divorced.

07:21 The McMahon Group: Well, and also, they’ll be going through the anger and the sadness. With… What I help parents recognize is that they can influence how deeply they will go through that process. You can’t control it, I learned a long time ago, it’s the illusion of control.

07:41 Oliver Ross: Right.

07:41 The McMahon Group: But they can certainly influence the depth and the duration of that grief process.

07:47 Oliver Ross: And soften the situation a little bit better.

07:48 The McMahon Group: Right.

07:48 Oliver Ross: And, plus, the mediation does not take as long as a regular court process.

07:54 Oliver Ross: Oh, mediation is typically over within a matter of two or three months.

07:58 The McMahon Group: Got it.

07:59 Oliver Ross: Court process could be 12, 15, 24 months.

08:02 The McMahon Group: Oh, my gosh. And you know what? We’re running out of time here, Dr. Ross. But this is such important information. I know all your information was on the screen there for everybody at home, and if you have questions, please get in touch with Dr. Oliver Ross. And we will be right back after this. Thank you.”

Out-of-Court Solutions – Oliver Ross
8350 E. Raintree Drive, Suite A-205
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260
Office: 480-422-3475
Fax: 866-929-1985
Email: admin@outofcourtsolutions.com
Serving Arizona With 12 Convenient Locations