The Benefits of Brief Therapy for Children of Divorce
By Tamara Hirsch, JD, LCSW and Oliver Ross, JD, PhD
As divorce mediators, we are constantly reminded that children are deeply impacted by divorce. An obvious point, perhaps, but even the most caring and attentive parents can become preoccupied if not overwhelmed by the changes and stressors that are common to divorce. As a result, parents may not notice that their child’s understanding of the divorce is different from their own and the child may be left with misinterpretations, unanswered questions, self-blame and unprocessed emotions.
A child is apt to create his or her own narrative of divorce. This narrative is shaped largely by the child’s developmental stage, but it is also significantly impacted by the emotional tone of the divorce, including the presence of parental conflict, stress and anger. Immature cognitive processes may result in a child taking individual incidents out of perspective, seeing him- or herself as responsible for their parents’ unhappiness and relationship failure.
In a stressed family environment with poor or unhealthy communication patterns, the parent is often not sufficiently emotionally available to help the child make sense of this narrative. Along with all other major life experiences, divorce can shape and impact one’s sense of self and one’s ability to form healthy relationships with others. Thus, it is imperative that parents learn about and thus be able to help their child form a healthy narrative of divorce as early as possible. It is for these reasons that we routinely encourage that divorcing parents consider brief therapy for their children.
Consider the following example of Nicholas, an eight year old boy who co-author Tamara Hirsch formerly worked with in therapy. Tamara began seeing Nicholas shortly after his parents had divorced. During one therapy session, in order to incorporate Nicholas’ love of drawing and comic books, Ms. Hirsch asked him to draw a comic strip portraying the circumstances in which he learned about his parents’ divorce:
The first panel showed Nicholas’ parents, his older brother and him sitting with a therapist. While looking at the parents, a speech bubble coming out of the therapist read, “I think you should get divorced.” The second panel showed Nicholas, his parents and his brother walking home from the therapist’s office down a long road. There were no speech bubbles. The third panel showed Nicholas and his brother in their bunk beds that night. Nicholas was wide awake in the lower bunk, listening to his brother sobbing in the bunk above. The lack of communication between Nicholas and his parents was apparent.
In subsequent sessions, Nicholas and Ms. Hirsch talked with his mother and father (separately, as they alternated in bringing Nicholas to sessions) to discuss his comic strip. They were both shocked, as they realized the implications of his drawings, his inability to make sense of the divorce, their failure to help him by not communicating with him along the way, and the resulting silence and sadness that he was continuing to experience. Caught up in the conflict and animosity between them, they had lost sight of how their child had been impacted.
In their therapy sessions with Ms. Hirsch, Nicholas’ parents were able to correct and help restructure Nicholas’ narrative of the divorce. They explained to him that the divorce was a decision they had made, not the therapist. They encouraged Nicholas to ask questions about the divorce, and they answered honestly and openly. They asked Nicholas about his own feelings and explained that it is okay to feel sad and angry. It was the first time since their initial family visit with Ms. Hirsch that they had spoken openly about the impact of the divorce on Nicholas.
For the majority of couples, divorce is stressful, but for those couples with minor children, any tension, anger, misunderstandings and blame between parents, will in turn negatively impact communication with the children. In the case described above, the parents were so caught up in their own relationship concerns that Nicholas had not been given an opportunity to speak openly about his feelings and beliefs about the divorce. He had not felt comfortable asking questions. Consequently, he developed a narrative that was incorrect, upsetting to him, and subsequently upsetting to both parents who loved him.
The legal and financial costs that are part of this process may turn an already emotionally taxing process into a financial and legal nightmare. Unfortunately, children pay the price as well. If parents can take steps to reduce the tension, decrease the conflict, and facilitate healthier communication, this will not only improve the outcome of the divorce for the parents, but will also have significant emotional benefits for their children.
Mediation provides a less stressful, less expensive option than litigation for divorcing parents. One of the primary goals of mediation is to facilitate healthy, productive communication between parents in a non-adversarial and empathic setting, so that they can make informed, well-thought through mutually agreed upon decisions. In such a setting, parents learn to communicate more effectively with one another, which models more effective communication for parents with their children. Better parental communication opens the way for children to feel that they have permission to voice their fears, concerns, and ask questions. It helps children create a developmentally-appropriate understanding of divorce, which, in turn, contributes to their ability later in life to form future healthy relationships with others.
