Maintaining the Father-Daughter Bond After Divorce
In recent years, the importance of a strong father-daughter relationship has become the subject of increasing research and psychological studies. In previous years, this was not a well-researched area. The emerging research on this subject suggests that a healthy father-daughter relationship is a critical factor in predicting a woman’s future self-esteem, psychological well-being, and her ability to form and maintain healthy, intimate relationships. Psychologist and child development expert Kevin Leman, Ph.D. states that fathers are the “key” to their daughter’s future. He states, “… evidence shows that a father’s relationship with his daughter is one of the key determinants in a woman’s ability to enjoy a successful life and marriage.” Unfortunately, in many families, particularly divorced families, the father-daughter relationship is not fostered and nurtured.
During and after a divorce, the father-daughter relationship is particularly prone to disruption, for several reasons. Divorcing men worry about father’s rights in the legal process as girls often spend more time with their mothers and less time with their fathers after the divorce. Life after divorce for men may include less regular and less consistent relationships with their daughters. This can become even more likely during the adolescent and teenage years, when father tend to back away from their daughters. Experts hypothesize that for many fathers, it is not the lack of love that disturbs this relationship during the teenage years, but the fear of being rejected by their teenage daughters. However, the reality is that during these vulnerable, emotional and identity-forming years, the need for attention and empathic understanding is even more important.
Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. an author, psychologist and expert on parenting, states that one of the predictors of a father’s relationship with his children after divorce is the mother’s facilitation or obstruction of the relationship. Unfortunately, many children of divorce are exposed to hurtful or negative comments from one parent about the other parent. Thus, a child of divorced parents who lives primarily with her mother may hear hurtful, negative or critical comments about her father, and this is likely to impact her perception of her father and thus her future relationship with him.
Divorce advice for men during and after the divorce involves the following: both parents must understand the importance of fostering their daughter’s relationship with her father both during the divorce and in the years following the divorce. This includes reducing conflict, increasing collaboration and communication, and putting aside any hard feelings toward one another. Parents must be sensitive to the needs of their adolescent or teen daughter, including her desire to spend time with her friends and participate in social activities with her peers. However, both parents must also encourage their daughter to spend quality time with her father both throughout the school year, and during her vacation time. Divorced dads must find ways to become involved in their daughter’s lives. A divorced dad should regularly participate in activities which are important to his daughter, and through this increased involvement will become a consistent and important presence in his daughter’s life. This in turn will help promote his daughter’s self-worth and confidence, her ability to trust and relate to others, and her understanding of how to form and maintain healthy relationships in the future.
Tamara Hirsch, JD, LCSW
