Adult Children of Divorce
Divorce impacts children of all ages, from infancy to adulthood. Adult children are faced with unique challenges during divorce in comparison to younger children, and these challenges should not be ignored or minimized simply because they are adults. Today, as divorce rates amongst adults 50 and older remain at an all-time high, more and more adult children are experiencing their parents’ divorce.
Children of divorce often feel as though they are put in the middle during a divorce, especially in more conflictual relationships. This can be particularly true for adult children. Divorcing parents should keep conflict away from their adult children so that adult children are not pulled into the conflict and made to feel as though they have to “take care of” their divorcing parents. It is helpful if parents of adult children can inform their children about the divorce together, and in a well-thought out, considerate way. This can help adult children to be assured that the parents are still in charge, and thus takes the weight or responsibility off their children; additionally, it helps to prevent adult children from feeling as though they should “take sides” or blame one parent.
Being caught in the middle between two divorcing parents is very painful for adult children, in the same way that it is for any children of divorce. Because adult children are usually more aware of the situation involved, and because divorcing parents may feel less of a need to protect their adult children from the details, adult children will likely be exposed to more of the conflict and disagreement between their parents. “Divorce means watching the two people we love most turn against each other and sometimes try to destroy each other–and because we are adults we are privy to every excruciating detail….They push us to take sides, manipulating us with angry phone calls and emotional e-mails. Instead of sitting down and explaining what’s happening, they suck us into the middle,” Brooke Foster, author of The Way They Were; Dealing With Your Parents’ Divorce After a Lifetime of Marriage.
Adult children go through the same grieving stages that all children of divorce face; that is, the stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The emotions that accompany these feelings may be heightened by the shock that their parents’ marriage is ending after so many years. Additionally, adult children may feel pressured to act as though they are not impacted by the divorce, when in fact it may be painful or even devastating.
Adult children will have important events and milestones such as graduations, weddings, and births. During these times, it is not unusual for adult children to experience anxiety regarding their divorced parents, and the types of communication and involvement that will transpire during these significant milestones. The importance of good communication and a willingness to co-parent in a healthy, amicable way is crucial in order for these events to go smoothly, and so that the adult child does not feel “caught in the middle” between his or her parents at such family events and celebrations.
Regardless of the particular situation, it is likely that an adult child of divorce will experience his or her own grieving process, and will need support and understanding from his or her parents. It is crucial that divorcing parents understand this, rather than to assume that their children will handle the situation more easily because they are adults. Rather, adult children of divorce face unique challenges, which will require support and empathy from their parents and those around them.
Tamara Hirsch, JD, LCSW
