Protective Factors for Children of Divorce and Legal Separation: Six Ways to Increase Your Child’s Resiliency

1. Be thoughtful about the Initial Conversation. Tell the child together. Be mindful about the time and place. Allow children to ask questions. Give permission for them to express their feelings, including anger and sadness. If you don’t know all the answers, assure them that you will work it out. It’s ok for a parent to say “I don’t know the answer to that question quite yet, but Dad and I are figuring it out.
2. Minimize Changes in Your Child’s Life as Much as Possible.  Try to keep your child in the same school and same home, if possible. Continue your child’s involvement in sports, clubs, school activities. Maintain access to sources of stability in your child’s life, including grandparents and other extended family. Be thoughtful as to if, when and how you introduce future significant others into your child’s lives.
3. Establish a detailed parenting plan.  Be consistent in its implementation. Create a parenting plan that diminishes conflict. If transitions between parents create conflict, set up a parenting plan where the majority of transitions occur at school. Establish parallel parenting and communication through online calendars and structured emails. Establish clear responsibilities of both parents right from the outset.
4. Continue Meaningful Parenting Involvement in your Children’s Lives. Understand the importance of active parenting. Spend time helping your child with homework and projects. Discuss school and ask about their friendships. Talk about problems in your child’s life. Provide warmth and support. Laugh, interact, understand your child. Research shows that a warm, meaningful relationship with even one caregiver is a hugely protective factor in divorce.
5. Minimize the Child’s Exposure to Parenting Conflict. Do not denigrate the other parent in front of the child. A child innately understands that (s)he is made up of  “½ mom and ½ dad,” so a child will internalize this over time as a criticism of him or herself. Do not put your child between you and the other parent. Make sure the child never becomes the “messenger.” Contact the other parent directly if you have concerns or questions. If this isn’t possible, ask another adult to be the messenger. Make sure you don’t ask your child intrusive questions about other parent. Ask yourself “why am I asking my child this?” Don’t create a need for child to hide information from the other parent. Involve mediators, parenting coordinators, therapists, to minimize conflict.
6. Be mindful of your own ongoing emotional health: Take care of yourself. Be honest with yourself about your emotional state of mind. Seek professional help if necessary. Find the time. Understand the importance of being an emotionally stable parent for your child.