Healthy Coparenting After Divorce
For many, the word “divorce” brings to mind images of angry parents, exorbitant court costs, and months or even years of court hearings. Sadly, these images are realities for many couples involved in divorce litigation. Statistics show that litigating couples lose a third of the value of their assets to attorneys. Furthermore, litigation fosters competitiveness and resentment between the parties as it is based on a “win-lose” mentality. Yet once the lengthy and exhausting court process is over, the relationship between the parties is far from over when minor children are involved. The couple, emotionally and financially drained, attempt to embark on another journey – Coparenting after divorce.
Healthy Coparenting, or “cooperative parenting,” requires effective communication and cooperation, both during and after the divorce. Cooperative parenting involves staying focused on the children, valuing one another as parents, and using effective communication and negotiation skills, all of which lessen the impact of divorce on children. In sharp contrast to cooperative parenting, the litigation process is built on competitiveness, not cooperation, and is designed so that the parties rarely speak with each other directly, if at all. The children in these families are inevitably put in the middle of this long, drawn out, ugly battle between their parents. Accordingly, by their very nature, litigated divorces are detrimental to a healthy Coparenting relationship and thus harmful to the children involved.
Mediation, as an alternative to litigation, allows parties to put aside their anger, frustration and resentment toward one another and instead focus on their children’s best interests. During a divorce, difficult decisions must be made regarding assets, debts, parenting and spousal support; however, these decisions do not need to be a foundation for a battleground between parties, in which a judge ultimately makes these decisions. Instead, with the help of a skilled divorce mediator, decisions can be made together by both parents. When emotions such as anger, frustration and sadness arise during mediation, a skilled mediator with a background in psychology can help the parties to manage these emotions while helping them continue to communicate and negotiate. This encourages a positive communication structure between the parties, which in turn develops a cooperative parenting style.
Effective cooperative parenting begins during, not after, the divorce process. If parenting decisions are made cooperatively through mediation, such as responsibility for legal decision-making and timesharing, it avoids turning into a “custody battle.” In turn, this reduces the emotional (not to mention financial) burden on the family. Also, in litigation, one or both parties are likely to be unhappy with the outcome ordered in court. In contrast, mediation involves both parents working together to come up with a mutually agreeable parenting plan. Parents who agree on their parenting plan are more likely to follow this plan without conflict, and thus more likely to continue to co-parent successfully in the future. Consequently, the effects of divorce on children are diminished.
Coparenting can be very difficult, particularly for parents who shared a painful past, or experience resentment or anger toward one another. During mediation, parents shift into a completely new relationship with their ex-spouse; that is, from a married relationship to that of a co-parent. This new relationship is not about either parent, but is focused on putting the children first. Successful Coparenting requires putting the past relationship in the past, and focusing on the children’s future stability, happiness and well-being.
