How to Tell Children About Divorce

Deciding to divorce is always a difficult decision.  Often, what is already an emotional and stressful situation is complicated even more because there are minor children involved.  Telling your children that you are getting divorced can be an incredibly difficult thing to do and many people do not even know where to start.  If you and your spouse are able to agree on a way to communicate this news to your children, then you can formulate a plan together in advance.  Planning ahead and preparing for inevitable questions will allow you to have answers ready.

One critical mistake many people make when informing their children about their impending divorce is not preparing before breaking the news.  For the parents involved, divorce is already an emotional and stressful issue, and communication may already be strained.  And, if you and your spouse are not on the same page when talking to your children, they are likely to sense this, which will add to their confusion.  One way many parents prepare to discuss their divorce with their children is to talk to a counselor or mediator beforehand.  A counselor or mediator experienced with divorce and psychology will be able to offer impartial advice about how to best handle discussing things with the children.  They will solely have the best interest of the children at heart, without being clouded by emotions about the situation, and will help you focus on what is most important, the children.

For children of divorce, the life they have always known, regardless of what family life has been like, is about to change dramatically.  Even if this change is for the good, it is still a significant change and will have a major impact on their lives.  While it may be tempting to give children a short answer about why this change is occurring, children often have questions that they want answers.  They want to know why the divorce is happening and how the change is going to affect them.  The way you break the news to your children will obviously depend on their age, but offering them real reasons about why the divorce is happening will help them better understand the situation and be able to cope with it much better.  Depending on the specific details of the divorce, certain details may be too traumatic or inappropriate for children.  While it is good to provide children with information, there is a line that can be crossed when it becomes too much information for children to hear.  This is where a qualified counselor or mediator will be able to help.  They will offer suggestions for how to communicate to children, what is happening and why, in an appropriate way, that provides information without traumatizing them.

While providing information that is age appropriate, it is also important to tell the truth.  While there are certain details you may want to conceal from children to protect them, it is best not to lie.  Even though there is information that your child could not comprehend or should not hear, find an appropriate way to communicate with them that is honest.  Lies will almost always come to the surface at one point or another, and that could be upsetting to the child, whether they find out the truth at 12, 20 or 40.  If your child seems quiet when you are explaining what is happening, do not let out a sigh of relief and feel glad that they seem to “not care.”  While you need to give your child space to process things, you cannot always wait for them to ask questions.  They most likely have no framework to understand what is happening, and therefore, have no way of knowing what questions to ask, even if they have them.  Be open with them, try to remain impartial and withhold from placing blame, and create a safe atmosphere for your child to get information about what is happening.  Lastly, regardless of your child’s age when you and your spouse decide to divorce, do not use them as your personal confidant.  While it is a good idea to keep your children informed, the last thing they need, even in a bad situation, is for their parents to paint bad pictures of each other through personal stories and experiences.  This can make children feel uncomfortable in a way that they cannot properly communicate or make them feel as though they are being forced to take sides.  After you have communicated what is happening, the most important thing you can do is reassure them that the divorce has nothing to do with them, even though it is affecting them.  And that your love, and your spouse’s love for them, has not changed at all.  While other things may change, your love will never change.  Finally, if you are ready to communicate your divorce to your children, it is best to be safe than sorry, and speak to an experienced counselor or mediator who can offer guidance and assistance.