How to Tell Your Children About Divorce

One of the more difficult aspects of getting a divorce with kids can be breaking the news to your children. As a parent, it is normal if you are uncomfortable with telling your children about your decision to get a divorce due to the fear of causing them pain or confusion. You may also be hesitant because you understand that your children will likely long remember the day you informed them of this major change in their lives, or for fear that your children will have difficulty coping with divorce. However, you can help your children receive and understand this impending transition by preparing prior to telling them about the divorce, delivering a united message with your spouse, and following up and being available.

Preparation. Upon being told about divorce, your children may have questions about why you are getting a divorce, and will likely have questions and concerns about how their own lives will be affected. Whether your child expresses their questions to you or internalizes their confusion it is important to prepare and address how the divorce will affect them. Preparation should include having answers to questions you think your children will ask, which will likely include common divorce questions such as: (i) Why are you getting a divorce? (ii) Is it my fault? (iii) Who will I being living with? (iv) Will I be going to the same school?

You can further prepare by choosing a specific date and time to tell your children, and, if possible, doing so with your partner. Although there is never a good time to tell your children about a divorce, it is important to choose a time where you can commit your full attention to your children and be able to be with them as long as they need.

Demonstrating to your children that you and your spouse are prepared for the changes divorce will bring will help reassure your children that you and your spouse are in control of the situation, which will in turn make it easier for your children to assimilate being told about their parents getting a divorce.

A United Message. When talking to your children about the divorce, delivering a single message, from you and your spouse, will help provide your children with a better understanding of the situation at hand. Conversely, if you and your spouse each tell your children conflicting or one-sided messages they will likely feel that they are being asked to choose which parent’s message to believe.

This lack of unity will likely lead to your child becoming upset, angry, or confused by the mixed messages they are receiving. In order to ease these feelings, it is imperative for you and your spouse to avoid casting blame on each other, and instead concentrate on a single united message.

Follow Up and Be Available. No matter how much time you spend discussing the divorce with your children, they may not be able to immediately explain their feelings or concerns. Many children need some time to comprehend and understand such significant news. Therefore, after you have had your initial conversation with your children about the divorce it is essential to follow up and to make yourself available to answer any questions or discuss any feelings they may be experiencing since learning about the divorce.

Conclusion. Telling your children about your decision to divorce will be difficult, but by preparing for the conversation, delivering a united message, and following up and being available to your children, you can make this news much easier for your children to receive. Focusing on these principals can also help set a foundation for your children to understand what to expect from the divorce and can help them in coping with divorce as a whole.

Jeffrey Ross, Esq.