Young Children of Divorce
In a Sesame Street episode, Abby draws two pictures of her family homes; one picture of “where I live with my Mommy” and another of “where I live with my Daddy”
“But Abby,” asks Elmo, “Why don’t you all live in one house together?
“Because my parents are divorced,” answers Abby.
Gordon then explains: “Divorced means that Abby’s mommy and Daddy aren’t married anymore…Sometimes things don’t work out with parents, even though they try and they try. So they decide not to be married anymore.”
Divorce is a complex issue, and thus it must be handled particularly thoughtfully and carefully when it involves pre-school age children. Different issues and considerations arise when talking with young children about divorce. Young children do not understand the idea of romantic love, or falling out of love. It is important to use well thought out words and descriptions to explain the divorce to young children in an age-appropriate way. For example, in general younger children need less detail and will benefit more from a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.
Though divorce may be uncharted territory for parents, the reality is that you can successfully navigate this difficult time—and help your children emerge from the process feeling loved, confident, and strong. The Sesame Street website (www.sesamestreet.org) states, “Though divorce and separation bring about very difficult transitions, they also bring opportunities for your child to learn that our paths in life are always changing. Most of all, they’re an opportunity to show your child just how strong your love can be.”
During a divorce, help young children to adjust by spending extra time with them, and making them feel special. Be patient and reassuring. Encourage them to express their feelings and ask questions, and make sure to be available to listen and address their concerns. Help them understand their own feelings and create words for their feelings. Encourage your children to be honest and share their true feelings; make sure they know that they will not hurt your feelings, and whatever they say is ok. Allowing a child to share their honest feelings will help them work through the process more easily.
Create a calendar so your children have a visual understanding of who they will be with each day. Provide routines so your children know that they can continue to rely on you for stability, structure and nurturance. Clear up any misunderstandings about the divorce. Younger children often think that they did something to “cause” the divorce, such as get bad grades, or not clean up their mess. Make sure they understand that the divorce is not their fault.
Most importantly, continue to reassure your child that you love him or her. Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need.
Tamara Hirsch, JD, LCSW